I’m not complete sure if everyone who has ever gone through a post grad experience can say the same, but I personally feel like it can be summed up in this picture.
I think this week was one of the worst weeks I have ever survived. Dramatic, yes. But coming from college to the real world is tough stuff. Everyone always said it was like boot camp, but I was only at the tip of the iceberg when I was warned.
I’m probably not that much farther down, but listen now folks… it doesn’t get easier. It was one thing to get a bad grade on your practicum, your midterm, your final… heck! maybe even when you fail a class. BUT THIS. If anyone is feeling sore about those aforementioned topics, just let this scenario sink in for a bit and maybe you’ll feel lucky.
About a month after graduation, God had spoken into my heart about a population of people who often fell through the cracks. Overlooked. Never in my life had I been more clear about the path that I had chosen. And it’s never been more stressful. Choosing to go into occupational therapy has been feeling like a blessing and a curse at the same time.
Knowing this, I wasn’t really sure how to react today when the occupational therapist called me aside to speak to me. Bullets of sweat. My lack of experience and somewhat fear of doing something wrong must have landed me in a sticky situation. He opens his mouth and tells me that he wouldn’t want me to go to school to come out without a job.
Stop. What does this even MEAN.
Everything after that was pretty much a blur. I thought I had been doing okay…I thought… that if God had called me to this role, it would be easy, right?
Wrong„ again. Ha. Silly me, nothing we’re ever called to do is easy. And I realized that there were two very different things that could have come from that situation:
1. I could have been really pissed at the situation: Yelling things in my mind like “F@!# THAT”, walked out, ran to my car and cried my eyes out.
2. I could have been really down about myself. Self-condemnation and then cried my eyes out.
And these were the typical things I probably would have resulted to. I just took it and I did my best.
I won’t lie. There were definitely some thoughts that were characteristic of the two scenarios mentioned above, but overall there was something about today that was different.
I think I was finally able to see differently…
Maybe one day, I’ll be able to look at this and love it—feel like it’s a really big part of who I become.
In the meantime, all anyone can do is push through whatever is coming up even if that means screaming the entire time or crying with snot coming down your face.
A strange and lovely sound is falling more than ever. I feel like everywhere I go, every page I turn, everything I see is filled with the truth of a God that loves. And whether you’re a Jesus freak or a drug-addict, you can’t help but admit that there is a strange glow and mystery to Christianity today. I do have a tendency to look very closely into things, maybe that has to do with being a Humanities graduate and all, but regardless something is definitely stirring.
So be curious—because there is much to be curious about.
Moving back home after graduation was just about the worst thing that I could ever think of. I believe I recall thinking that it would be one of the hardest things I would be taking on. Boy, I was wrong.
In my mind it was like I was preparing for this:
Moving home and being in a long distance relationship = death of Deanna’s happiness.
I know it’s a little dramatic, but it really was how I felt. And I knew the situation itself would be hard—I just never thought that I could be a factor in making it even harder.
Uncovering and rediscovering all these things of a person I once was two or three years back has messed me up. I keep on thinking that all of the bad things that I’ve done to other people are going to come back around and bite me in the a$$. And I realize that I have been so scared that I have been unconsciously pushing myself to believe that it will happen, and pushing others to that point as well.
So, I suppose now would be a good time to confess that I am addicted to self-fulfilled prophecies. That I am so controlling that I would rather make something false happen to me, then let the unknowing work its course to bring me something good.
How is it that we can be so scared of life, that we would rather choose to condemn ourselves… than to let life bring us wherever we need to go? Everyone is always talking about what not to let fear do… but what is has it done to us exactly? In this context of self-fulfilled doomness, I feel like I let fear take control of the wheel, and it has been driving me to a place to die.
In most cases of prophecy, the events come true as a result of the actions taken to prevent it. That was a mouthful..but I think it comes down to this. People hear that bad things are going to happen to them. Out of fear, they do whatever they can to avoid that situation because they don’t want to deal with suffering, pain or hurt… These actions taken to avoid that event ends up happening anyway because you believed that it was going to happen in the first place. And it’s a cycle. We keep living in these lives wondering why things like this always happen to us.
But what if… we chose to live it through? Maybe we believe it, maybe we don’t…but we don’t let the fear of an event make us turn to another course. What if we were just endured it a little bit longer?
I don’t really know. But I do know that I don’t want to believe in something that is not true. And I guess I will have to get back to you on the other questions someday down the road. And that’s the truth.
Graduation and the end of normal schooling marks the end of typical friendships and acquaintances that are the same age as you. I guess life can still be exciting after you thought that it was going to turn into a boring abyss.
growing up, there was always a weird unspoken agreement among little girls around which princesses were better than others. There were some… that were obviously just not that likable, and the truth is it’s because they only cared about themselves. The ones that were loved and cherished were the ones that were wiling to make sacrifices, and hurt for their loved ones—even when it meant not being happy right away.
and take this with a grain of salt because i mean…they are cartoons, but there really is something there. If we all strove to find our own happiness, the world would not have existed thus far. If we are honest to ourselves, we are all indebted to someone’s sacrifices: but the weirdest thing is that we don’t owe them anything at all.
the best part is that we have the will to make our own decisions and to act to what we think and to what we feel: that we are not forced to do good because someone else has done the same for us. and that is exactly the kind of princess that i have always wanted to be.
and hopefully, can still be.
you will always be my hun cal fro yo besties with breasties roommate. <3
I filed papers for 4 hours at work today, and I wondered to myself about whether or not this action or even my work at my job was going to mean anything to anyone. As I was sitting there rubbing by fingers with a giant finger balm, my boss came downstairs and asked, “well, isn’t it nice to do some mindless work sometimes?”
So, after four years of academic work and enslavement, I achieved the highest honor of performing mindless tasks. yahtzee.
I think this is the point in my life where I realize that I need to be doing something that actually requires thinking.
