dandelion thoughts

why i am addicted: self-fulfilled prophecies

Moving back home after graduation was just about the worst thing that I could ever think of. I believe I recall thinking that it would be one of the hardest things I would be taking on. Boy, I was wrong.

In my mind it was like I was preparing for this:

Moving home and being in a long distance relationship = death of Deanna’s happiness.

I know it’s a little dramatic, but it really was how I felt. And I knew the situation itself would be hard—I just never thought that I could be a factor in making it even harder.

Uncovering and rediscovering all these things of a person I once was two or three years back has messed me up. I keep on thinking that all of the bad things that I’ve done to other people are going to come back around and bite me in the a$$. And I realize that I have been so scared that I have been unconsciously pushing myself to believe that it will happen, and pushing others to that point as well.

So, I suppose now would be a good time to confess that I am addicted to self-fulfilled prophecies. That I am so controlling that I would rather make something false happen to me, then let the unknowing work its course to bring me something good.

How is it that we can be so scared of life, that we would rather choose to condemn ourselves… than to let life bring us wherever we need to go?  Everyone is always talking about what not to let fear do… but what is has it done to us exactly? In this context of self-fulfilled doomness, I feel like I let fear take control of the wheel, and it has been driving me to a place to die.

In most cases of prophecy, the events come true as a result of the actions taken to prevent it. That was a mouthful..but I think it comes down to this. People hear that bad things are going to happen to them. Out of fear, they do whatever they can to avoid that situation because they don’t want to deal with suffering, pain or hurt… These actions taken to avoid that event ends up happening anyway because you believed that it was going to happen in the first place. And it’s a cycle. We keep living in these lives wondering why things like this always happen to us.

But what if… we chose to live it through? Maybe we believe it, maybe we don’t…but we don’t let the fear of an event make us turn to another course. What if we were just endured it a little bit longer?

I don’t really know. But I do know that I don’t want to believe in something that is not true. And I guess I will have to get back to you on the other questions someday down the road. And that’s the truth.